I just can’t

My father confronts me today about my behavior, why I haven’t put more effort into finding a job, in his eyes I’m and I quote a lazy bum, how do I explain to this man that I’m trying, I’m trying to stop testing which is sharper this knife or this straight razor. I’m trying not to look at every man sizing him up and assessing if I could fight him off or would he quickly overpower me. How do you explain that you dyed your hair bright fucking red because even though you were a mousey brunette who dressed in huge clothes, never wore make up, and tried to go unnoticed by the world for some unknown fucking reason some guy still stalked and raped you. How do I explain that shit to my father? I just can’t look at him and tell him, I just can’t…I didn’t even report it to the police, I couldn’t believe it myself, why me? I’m fat and ugly and hide in shadows, why me? That’s why I’m out places with form fitting clothes and bright fucking red hair screaming look at me muther fuckers because hiding didn’t do me a damn bit of good I’m changing my tactics. I’m trying, I’m changing, I’ll never be the same…

Sometimes I just don’t understand…

I’ll never try to say I’m perfect, I’ll be the first to admit I’m wrong, I’ll genuinely apologize for my mistakes, I get pissed off sometimes and say the wrong things I’m human. I just don’t understand, I go out of my way to compliment and encourage people, I tell people how much I appreciate every kindness. I spend time in meditation trying to focus on love and try to express how much I adore the people in my life. But somehow I often come across as manipulative and arrogant. I was recently asked if I’m autistic I have no clue what that’s about I don’t know much about Autism so, I do know I was tested as a child around 2nd grade and my parents were told I read and comprehended on a 4th year college level, that’s what I was told by my parents who never compliment me but that’s not my point. I don’t understand why people can’t take a compliment or if someone likes something about them without thinking you have some other motives. My son told me recently he contacted someone online to just say I really like your band and the dude was a dick, like seriously I taught my kids to be kind to others but damn if we don’t keep getting kicked in the teeth. My life sucks its totally a fucking nightmare but I keep trying to focus on positive things and people keep kicking me while I’m down wtf? I’m seriously about to give up and disappear never to be heard from again.

My Focal Point…
Blessed Be…
~Beth~
#Love #candles #incense

I decided to commit to the red…But still can’t seem to commit to a man… #Selfie #woman #curvy #redhead #pale #darkeyes

I may not be beautiful but I still deserve to be somebody’s everything #woman #Selfie #redhead #curvy #selflove #selfrespect

I couldn’t commit to the red should I add more? #Selfie #woman #red #pale #darkeyes

Personal dilemma…

I feel an urge to apologize to an old friend for something that happened last year. I was going through a horrible time and upset and offended her and her family. I fully admit I’m in the wrong. I was trying to reconnect with her after many years and I really don’t think I’m very significant in her life or in her thoughts at all so to bring it up and explain why I behaved weirdly is that really for her or to just make myself feel better? I just don’t know. I had been talking to her a little for a while but after I was raped last year I was drinking and going through a difficult time in the process I made some stupid mistakes that I regret. Do I apologize to her and explain I wanted to talk to her last year because I knew she’d understand? Does this course of action benefit her? Although she may deserve an apology does it seem manipulative? Will it make her feel badly that she blew me off while I was suicidal and trying to overcome being brutally raped? Would it open her old wounds being a rape survivor herself? I’m truly at a loss if anyone has any advice I would truly appreciate it.
Thank you for reading…

I’ve decided to delete my accounts on the dating websites I’ve been on…I’m done trying to find someone. I’ve reached a point in my life where I think if I was meant to be in love then someone would be in my life by now. I will search no more for something that is clearly unattainable. I’ve been patiently waiting for 9 years, I’ve been alone this long why change now. So no more longing no more romantic notions I am content.
~Beth~